Our good friend Mark Bennett over at Defending People recently posted that Federal Court is no place for the unprepared, and certainly no place to learn how to defend cases all on your own. Mark is uneasy that so many people, particularly young lawyers, are trying to gain experience in Federal Court, or worse yet, are practicing there when they simply don't have the skills to do so. Mark is concerned. I understand and I wholly agree. In the hopes that those that have no business practicing in federal court take Mark's advice and give up federal practice, I offer this post to make sure they can still pay the rent. How to be a Horrible Criminal Defense Attorney.
Generally speaking, criminal law and personal injury are the two areas that terrible attorneys seem the most willing to practice, or at least try to practice. Why? Because it is perceived to be easy money. There will always be a steady supply of criminal defendants. And with the relative ease of pleading someone guilty for $1500 for a felony, there will always be work. So, you think you want to be one of these guys that is a true Criminal Pretender? Here's how.
First, and foremost, you should probably make promises as to the outcome of the case. No, I didn't say "promises you can't keep." I just said promises. You see, any good defense attorney will promise only one thing, and that is hard work. A good defense attorney will only promise to do everything possible to zealously defend his client. The Pretender? He will make promises about getting you a sweetheart deal, or "talking to the judge", or getting your case dismissed. In fact, this last one is a good marketing area. If you really want to show the world how horrible you are at being a defense attorney, you should try something clever like making your phone number something like 800-DISMISS. That will really wow them. Oh yeah, mail a bunch of cheesy advertising material to everyone that gets arrested in your jurisdiction. That's good stuff.
Next you should consider making it perfectly clear that you know nothing about the law. It shouldn't be too difficult, especially since you don't know anything about the law. I mean, come on. You know you don't. Don't hide it. We can tell you don't. Don't hide it; flaunt it. Who needs books? If you have too many of those, you won't have room for the important stuff in your office, like your marketing materials.
Finally, avoid trials at all costs. I mean those things are difficult. As a friend of mine once remarked, "This lawyering is real hard!" So why bother with the work? Just plead your client out to the state's offer. Of course, to be really good at being horrible, you will want to do this one of two ways. Either plead out on the first setting to the initial offer, or drag your client's case out for months so that they can pay your astoundingly low fee of $1450 out as $50 per week. You might have to go to court a few extra times, but it will be good for you. That way you might actually learn where it is and what other people do there.
I hope this helps those poor souls who have been displaced by that mean Mark Bennett. But I think Mark would agree when I say this: Stick to what you know. Leave the heavy lifting to those with a spine.
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