The Matlock Blog

No habla ingles

It sounds too ridiculous to be true.  If anyone should know what crimes the police can charge you with, it should be the police, right?  I mean am I asking too much for the cops to know what the hell they are doing?  Really?

Well, apparently not so much with the Dallas Police Department.  The DPD decided to give a number of drivers some tickets for not speaking English.  Yep, you read that correctly.  Not.  Speaking.  English.

According to a number of stories over the last several days, the DPD has ticketed almost 40 different drivers over the last three years for being a non-English speaking driver.  The problem is that's not against the law.  Now admittedly, there is a federal law for commercial drivers dealing with this, and there is the infamous 287(g) federal program that deputizes some local law enforcement to enforce federal immigration law.  But that's not what this is.

It seems the poor police officers were confused by there pesky in-car computer.  According to the officers, the pull-down menu allows them to issue a citation to a driver for not only speeding, illegal U-turn, improper turn, but also "non-English speaking driver."

They were confused.  By their computer.  Really?  Are these cops so out of touch with reality that they thought this was proper?

The bigger problem with this is the response from the cops themselves.  According to the CBS 11 story, Glenn White of the Dallas Police Association thinks its unfair to blame the cops for making the mistake.  We should really be blaming the computer makers and the officers' superiors.  Really?

According to White, it would be unfair to label these officers as being racially insensitive.  "It's wrong.  It's absolutely wrong."  White fears the officers will face future scrutiny in court cases involving minorities.  Ya think?

Let's see.  I have a client charged and convicted in a drug conspiracy of a relatively small amount of drugs actually found on him.  But then witness after witness comes into court for sentencing and talks about all the times they've seen my client possess drugs.  No one seems to have a problem with that "relevant conduct."  Why shouldn't it cut both ways?

Now, honestly, I don't know if these officers are so naive as to think they can just scroll through their little pull-down menu searching for any and all crimes to cite, or they are just not bright enough to figure things out on their own.  And I hate to give them the benefit of the doubt, but I guess I will.  I mean the world is full of morons.

But you made a mistake, guys.  It's not like you shot a guy who was pulling out a cell phone, or conducted a no-knock on the wrong house causing the elderly owner to have a heart attack, or anything crazy like that.  But you screwed up.  

To honestly argue that you shouldn't be punished is inane.  By the way, that's English for stupid.

But what the hell do I know?

So you want to be a lawyer?

You think you want to be a lawyer, huh?  You don't.  Trust me.  I say that as someone that not only is a lawyer, but someone who hates lawyers.  Do something else.

Let me guess.  You want to be a lawyer because you don't like math class, but you don't want to be a teacher, and you haven't figured out there are other things to do with your Bachelor of Arts degree?  

Or maybe you want to go to grad school, but why waste time and money going for a business degree when you're just going to be in the mailroom to begin with anyway, right?  I mean, you're too smart for that.

Of course there is always the classic reason.  You like to argue.  Your momma/ daddy/ girlfriend/ boyfriend/ P.E. teacher/ priest all say you're really good at arguing.  So is my ex-wife.  She's no lawyer.

The truth is you want to be a lawyer because it looks cool on TV and you think you can make a lot of money.  Well, you're right.  It does look good on TV and you can make a lot of money.

Of course, let's consider this for a second.  Let's look at what looks good on TV.  Lawyers do.  Doctors do.  Naval Criminal Investigative Service Agents do.  Professional lie detector guys do.  Strippers do.  Mafia bosses do.  A guy from another planet who has super powers and wears a red cape does except when he's around that strange green rock.  You get the picture.  

The truth is if you base your career on what looks good on TV, you're either too stupid or too smart to be a lawyer.  You figure out which it is.

So you think you can make a lot of money?  Yes.  Or, no.  You see a lot is relative and it also depends on what you lose to get it.  Some people only lose time to gain money.  You spend eight hours completely screwing up my order at Burger King, you still gain about $50 bucks that day.  You spend 2500 billable hours of your life in a year as a lawyer, maybe you lose more, and maybe your gain something.

If money is what you're seeking, no amount of money will gain you what you really want.  I can't begin to tell you what you want, but I can tell you that you won't find it in your paycheck.  

There are those that do this for the love and those that do it for the money.  Which do you want to be?  There are also various ways in which you can accomplish your goals in this lofty little notion we call "the law."  What will you choose?

Gone are the days of Atticus Finch.  The general practitioner is laughed at nowadays.  He doesn't have the skill to handle this case or that case because he doesn't spend every waking hour learning the intricacies of this area of law.  

So you have to pick the exact kind of law you think you want to practice.  Which shall it be, my lady?  Civil litigation?  Family?  Wills and Estates?  Criminal?  Something more specialized?  They all have their costs and they all have their benefits.

May I offer a modicum of advice?  If you do anything, don't practice Family law.  Never on the landscape of this planet has there existed a more foul stench than that of the divorce attorney.  There is a special place in hell for Family Law attorneys.  

People always complain about criminal defense attorneys, and rightfully so (after all, we suck), but at least we have the scratchy blanket of the constitution to pretend to wrap ourselves in.  Family law attorneys don't.  They don't even pretend to.  From carcass to carcass they go, tirelessly looking for that last ounce of blood to suck.

Criminal defense attorneys are generally about ego.  We fight the government.  It's what we do.  Usually we lose, but sometimes we win, and when we do, we usually look good doing it.  But maybe that's just me.

As for civil attorneys, well, they are strange.  It's all about the billable hour.  They rarely set foot in the courtroom and when they do, they try cases with questions to which they already know the answer.  It's as exciting as watching a TiVo'ed episode of L.A. Law.  For the eighteenth time.  And on top of that, none of them are really that bright.

Don't get me wrong.  You have to be relatively intelligent to be a lawyer.  And the better ones are smarter than the others.  But strike up a conversation with a lawyer that doesn't want to talk about himself, and I'll show you someone who made a bad career choice.

You say you want to be a lawyer?  I ask why.  The years of studying, they never end.  The stress of school continues into practice.  And oh by the way?  You're never as smart as you think you are.  Take it from the kid who grew up knowing he was always going to be a lawyer.

But what the hell do I know?

Words matter

Words matter.

They do.  Whether they are the simple ones we like to hear like, “You’re hot” or “I love you”  or they are the ones we don’t want to hear, “It’s not you, it’s me”  or “I don’t love you anymore.”  Or the words that can be the greatest to hear, “Tigers win the pennant!”  (Ok, maybe that’s just me.)  The point is that what we say, and how we say it matter.  Usually.  

There are few places where words can have as lasting an impact as in a courtroom.  Whether it be a defendant pleading “guilty” or a jury returning a verdict, what is said in a courtroom, pretty much by definition, affects people tremendously and does so for life.

Unless of course your a “monster.”  It turns out a prosecutor can refer to a criminal defendant during the course of a trial, and in front of the jury, as a monster and that will result in two more words being uttered by the appellate court; “harmless error.”

It seems that a prosecutor in Ector County, which is way out in west Texas, decided to refer to a defendant charged with sexual assault as a monster.  In front of the jury.  On the record.  Yikes!  That can’t be good, right?  Well maybe no so much.

As it turns out, the 11th Court of Appeals has decided that while the jury argument of this bush-league prosecutor violated every rule set for both jury argument and referencing a defendant, the error was harmless.  In other words, the court thought he must have been guilty, so why bother holding the State to the same rules as the defense.  God forbid I refer to the State’s sole witness as a “whore” and get away with it.

You see, jury argument in Texas is limited to only four areas; summation of the evidence, a reasonable deduction from the evidence, answer to argument of opposing counsel, and the proverbial plea for law enforcement.  Not only that, but there is actually case law that says a prosecutor should not refer to a defendant by any name other than his given name or nickname, and it is improper to refer to a defendant by a derogatory term designed to subject him to personal abuse.  

Ever been called a monster in a good way?  Me either.  

But apparently words don’t matter that much.  You say monster, I say defendant entitled to the rule of law.  You say less, but I know you mean fewer.  

What you say?

You see, we are now playing to the lowest common denominator.  No one can actually speak correctly.  Not only are wannabe prosecutors in sh*tsville Odessa (which will never be as good as Midland by the way) allowed to speak improperly in court where it matters, but now we have gotten to a point where those that try to sell us all of the unnecessary things we buy can’t even do it correctly.

For example:  Less Calories.  

I like Gatorade.  I do.  But for crying out loud.  It should be  “Fewer Calories” not less.  It’s not that hard.  I mean say it out loud and it doesn’t even sound right, does it?  

Ok, for those that apparently went to a fourth tier state school for college, the reason it is fewer and not less is because it deals with something you can count.  Such as fewer M&M’s and less candy.  Fewer ounces of vodka, and less alcohol.  Fewer IQ points, less intelligence.  Is it really that hard?  Come on, try and keep up.  

But I digress.  You’re right.  This really just an opportunity for me to vent about those that can’t properly use the King’s Queen's English.  

But it doesn’t stop with the written word.  It reaches into the realm of the spoken word as well.  The most recent example occurred last night during game number 163 between the Minnesota Twins and my Detroit Tigers.

Anyone that knows anything about baseball knows that a base hit occurs only when someone has reached base.  It ain’t rocket science.  A fly ball out is not such an occurrence.  And if anyone in the world should know this, you would expect a national sportscaster to know this.  Not so much with Chip Caray.  

I paid quite a bit to have DirectTv Extra Innings so that I could watch virtually every Tigers game this year.  I love the local Fox Sports Detroit broadcasters.  But after 162 games, the Tigers and Twins were tied for the A.L. Central title.  It came to a tie-breaker game.  Called by...TBS?

Much to my chagrin, Chip Caray and Ron Daling called the game.  I’d never experienced a game called by this duo.  I’d rather kick my own ass than hear another.  I would rather shove at pine cone up..., well, you get the picture.

There are so many instances of abject stupidity on the behalf of this dynamic broadcasting duo, but I decided to use just this one to make my point. 

I know this post is all over the place, but it’s been a while since I posted anything, and I feel like getting some things off my chest.  Perhaps this will be the new purpose of this little blog of mine.  Maybe I can use it to spread the gossip of the North Texas legal community.  That probably wouldn’t be too popular, right?  Maybe I'll just talk about how things suck.  Maybe, oh, who the hell knows.

The point is this blog is at a crossroads.  Much like I find myself.  Certainly it is a professional blog in the sense that it is associated with this firm.  Yet given certain changes in life, I wonder if perhaps everything shouldn’t change.  

We live in a cynical world.  A world determined to find the worst in people and destroy those that try to do the right thing.  Maybe it's time to embrace that.  Maybe it's time to call out those in this world that suck.

But what the hell do I know?